When 1+1=3, or 4, or 5… Helping older siblings stay connected to mom and dad, and not neglected when baby comes.

 

    Even though this example is from "Lady and the Tramp" and these are dogs, Disney is teaching us a principle that is true even for children when a new baby comes into the family. Children see all kinds of changes, for mom and dad, their time, and attention. Maybe mom and dad are more tired, less patient, or distracted. Once the baby gets here some times it may no feel any better. Let's talk about how to help children during this transition so they don't feel like this. 

Sibling rivalry can be a very real thing and can be found in many families and can be very stressful for parents and siblings. Having a new baby can cause older siblings to feel displaced, frustrated, angry, unloved, forgotten. There are a few steps you can take to help your child through this transition. Emotionally coaching your child will help you and them work through the feelings. There are 5 steps to emotion coaching (Gottman, 1999).

1.      Be aware of the child’s emotions. You must be aware of your emotions before you can be aware of theirs. Being aware simply means you can recognize them and identify them.  Watch them look for their cues, watch body language, and listen to tone of voice.

2.       Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching. When you acknowledge your child’s feelings you are helping them learn the skills, they will need to sooth themselves. Help them do this early on before they escalate and become a full-blown tantrum.  Once you see and hear their body language and tone of voice you know what is coming next. Take a few deep breaths if needed.

3.      Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings. 

Watch how Joy just wants to move on. She is in too much of a hurry, or just wants to sweep Bingbong’s feelings under the rug. But Sadness sits and listens, acknowledging, and validating how he feels and allows him to feel that way. Empathy goes a long way to helping someone feel better. Not because you told them to feel better, but because you understand, and listen.

4.     Help the child verbally label the emotions. Watch how Ray listens to what his daughter is saying and allows her to feel the feelings she is having. Helping our children voice their feelings and understand them will help them work through the things that may be upsetting them.

 5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve. Ray does this some as well. He helps Alli label her feelings and understand why she is feeling the way she was and then helps her know that just because she feels that way it is not ok to act out.

Remember

All feelings are acceptable

All wishes are acceptable

All behaviors and actions are not acceptable

You can help your children understand their feelings, understand the things they want, and learn to set limits and problem solve.

    The age of your children also plays into how they react to having a new sibling. Studies have shown that the younger the child is when they become an older sibling the more distressed, they were and regressive behaviors in toddlers was reported by 93% (Sawicki, 1997). While children that are under 3 are so busy investigating and exploring their environment and developing physical, emotional, cognitive and social skills. Even though they are becoming more independent they need a lot more approval, reassurance, and guidance from their parents. Without this they become frustrated and discouraged. Young children are egocentric they are unable to see things from another person's point of view and are unable to cope with the fact that they are now sharing their parents' attention and love. Babies are demanding and time consuming , and older children are often expected to wait, and this can be difficult for a child under 3 years old who haven't developed this skill yet. 

Preschool children on the other hand tend to be less jealous of new babies and can be more independent and can be more involved with other friends and activities. Preschool aged children tend to have an easier time than children under 3 adjusting to a brand-new baby in the home. School aged children are often secure with their place in the family and have outside interests and activities and are likely to feel less jealous of a new baby. There are things you can do along with the emotion coaching to minimize feelings of jealousy between siblings by creating a supportive, nurturing environment that helps each child feel secure and loved. Here is a good example of what NOT to do.

The mom is video lists her children as the things she loves and tries to say it is in no order but then makes it clear that it is. This causes more contention and sibling rivalry for the kids.  Studies have shown that children equate more affection and less control by parents as “favoritism” for that child (Volling, 1997). When children are treated differently it also effects sibling’s relationships. Studies have also shown that many children do believe that they are treated differently than their siblings by their parents (Manning & South, 2018).  Parents typically deny this and remind their children that they have to treat their children equally, but the research shows that favoritism is common in most families. These can be alleviated by continuing affection, attention, and resources to all children fairly. Find ways to show an increase of love and spend time and attention to each of your children.

A Few tips I have learned along the way!

ACTIVITY

1.      Come up with a plan for some one-on-one time with your children. Make it realistic! Maybe 15 minutes when the baby is down for a nap, right before bed one of you with the baby one of you with the older child(ren). Do what will work for you. Make it meaningful.

2.      If you are soon to have or have a new baby create a basket that is just for when you are busy with baby care for your older kids. Something they will like, something that will entertain them and something they will look forward to getting to do when you are busy.

Coming soon! 

Encouraging older siblings to help with baby care and learning new responsibilities.

References

Gable, S. (1999). “The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” by John Gottman with Joan DeClaire. Book Review. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 14(4), 575–578.

Manning, J., & South, A. L. (2018). Family favoritism: Defining a communication-oriented construct. Qualitative Research Reports in Communication, 19(1), 18–24. https://doi.org/10.1080/17459435.2017.1418416

Sawicki, J. A. (1997). Sibling rivalry and the new baby: anticipatory guidance and management strategies. Pediatric Nursing, 23(3), 298+. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A19556572/AONE?u=byuidaho&sid=googleScholar&xid=652188a6

Volling, B. L. (1997). The family correlates of maternal and paternal perceptions of differential treatment in early childhood. Family Relations, 46, 277. https://doi.org/10.2307/585120