Date Night and One on One time

 

    What would you say if you heard that parental “burn out” happens at about the same rate for fathers as it does mothers? And that the side effects are often more detrimental to fathers than mothers in that they more often cause, escape, suicidal inclinations, and neglectful inclinations towards children for men more than in women (Roskam & Mikolajczak, 2020). This burnout effects parenting and our relationships. 

The good news is there is a cure for this burnout and a way to maintain those strong loving relationships. We have gotten started with a few things already from our last 2 posts. As you maintain and strengthen a sense of “we-ness” and unity in your marriage, and work on finding each other’s strengths through compliments, affection and admiration you are on your way.

"NEWLY WED" GAME

Each of you privately write down your answers and the answer you think your partner might give to the questions below. (Keep them separate.) After you write down your answers share them with each other. For each one you guessed right you get a point. Who ever gets the most points get to pick the next date night activity!  Here we go….

1.  What is your partner’s favorite date night activity?

2.   How often does your partner want to go on a date?

3.On a scale of 1 (being low) to 10 (high) how would you rate your dating life right now?

4. What was your partners favorite date you went on before you got married?

5.  Do you like staying in dates over going out dates?

6. Do you prefer adventure dates or romantic dates?

7.  What would be your ideal romantic date?

8. What night of the week does your partner think is ideal for date night?

9.  If money were no option, what would you want to do for a date night?

10.  Does your partner have a “go to” date night outfit? What is it? (double points if you get both right)

            One study showed that couples do spend more time together than they do with anyone else counting all the time they are home, eating, sleeping, and caring for a home. The study also showed that it is important for couples to make time to eat together, and spend time together in the evening, especially because of all the hours they spend working, tending children can negatively affect their relationship (Glorieux, Minnen, & Tienoven, 2011).

            The quality time that spouses spend together is critically important to marital quality (Glorieux, Minnern, & Tienoven, 2011).  A study done during the Covid-19 outbreak showed that family routines help establish order in the home and help gain balance for children. This balance for children is important for familial relationships not just during quarantine but always (Kracht, Karzmarzyk, & Staiano, 2021). This routine will help not only children gain balance but leave some much needed one on one time for parents in the evening. Getting children into a good bedtime routine will leave time for you to talk, plan, and just be together before the exhaustion of the day takes over and you have nothing left for one another.  

            Not only do couples need time to care for children, home, work, and other responsibilities, many couples struggle with the distractions of social media or media in general. There is a significant romantic disengagement that comes with any media addiction. This addiction can be a distraction that lowers martial satisfaction. This romantic disengagement is a gradual loss of love (Saeed Abbasi, 2018). Don't let your phone, or other device get in the way of quality time with your spouse. 

Today we are going to discuss another approach that can really help strengthen both the things we have already talked about and help move your relationship forward in other positive way. Date night!

Remember those….

 

 

 

 

 

 Warning! Do NOT let it

 turn into this…

This couple shares a few really great tips on how to incorporate date night even when your baby is little and you can’t really leave yet, or you can’t afford a babysitter.

This video takes me back to the early days of my husband and I being married with little ones. My husband and I got married, got pregnant 4 months later, and bought a house that needed extensive remodeling 3 months after that. To say we had little time and money might be major simplification. Many of our “date nights” those first few years with little ones in our home involved one of us getting the kids settled into bed and the other one of us walking across the street to pick up 2 “Blizzard of the Month’s” (Dairy Queen use to have a Blizzard they would discount each month. This made it so we could afford to both have one!) We would get our Blizzard’s and watch a movie or just talk while the kids slept.

Many couples are going about date night all wrong. If you are having date night, there are a few things to remember. Brain behavior researchers have found that just being together is not all there is to it to keep a relationship fresh. Scientists are showing that the simple prescription for reigniting that romantic flame that brought you together you need to change things up a bit. Instead of doing the same thing like going to your favorite restaurant with the same people, couples need to build their date nights around new and different activities that you both enjoy. The goal is to find ways to involve novelty into your relationship. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. It can be as simple as going to a different restaurant, something unusual, and different like, take a cooking class, try frisbee golf, an amusement park. The brain science shows that new experiences activate the brain reward system which floods your brain with dopamine and norepinephrine. These two things are also lit up during the early stages of romantic love. Studies show that the decline of romantic love do decline and are replaced by the powerful predictable feelings that come with long-term attachments. But many studies show that simply adding novelty or simply doing new things together may often help bring back the butterflies by recreating those same chemical surges that came early on in courtship (Parker-Pope). So don’t do the same ol’ thing. Get out and try something new or stay in and try something new. Even if it is a new recipe, new show, new game, new….

Dr. Gottman also teaches that the things we have already discussed are the basis for romance, passion, and great sex. All the other pieces; friendship, unity/we-ness, appreciation, affection, and admiration, are all forms of foreplay (Gottman, 2013). He also found in his studies that all positive interactions were foreplay. Every time you do something kind for your partner, let them know they are appreciated, desirable, listening when they have had a bad day, or acknowledge their goodness in anyway are all forms of foreplay. Even if it doesn’t mean right now, it means I still want and need you.

Click the link below for many date night ideas broken into categories. 

At home date night	Active date nights	Cheap Date night	Romantic Date nights
30 at home date nights	Tone and tighten healthy date nights	The Merrill project	My sweet home life
10 Date night ideas	Couple travel the world date nights	Natural beach loving	Frugal confessions
Already tired tomorrow date nights	10 active date nights by Friday we are in love	Dating Divas	Jack of all things

 

Don’t end up like George Lopez from this video Remember date night and make time for your spouse

Try a few date nights! Set a date and time, make it happen. Put your phones down and spend time one on one together. Come back and share in the comments how your dates went. What went well? What was hard about it? What do you look forward to? 

When 1+1=3, or 4, or 5… Helping older siblings stay connected to mom and dad, and helping them avoid feeling neglected when a new baby comes.

 References 

John Gottman, P., & Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.

Glorieux, I., Minnen, J., & van Tienoven, T. P. (2011). Spouse “Together Time”: Quality Time Within the Household. Social Indicators Research, 101(2), 281–287. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41476443

Kracht, C. L., Katzmarzyk, P. T., & Staiano, A. E. (2021). Household chaos, family routines, and young child movement behaviors in the U.S. during the COVID-19 outbreak: a cross-sectional study. BMC Public Health, 21(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-021-10909-3

Roskam, I., Mikolajczak, M. Gender Differences in the Nature, Antecedents and Consequences of Parental Burnout. Sex Roles 83, 485–498 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5

Saeed Abbasi, I. (2018). The Link Between Romantic Disengagement and Facebook Addiction: Where Does Relationship Commitment Fit In? American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(4), 375–389. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1540283

https://www.emotionalaffair.org