Encouraging older siblings to help with baby care and learning new responsibilities.

 

Watch how this family went from 1 child to two while their oldest was just a toddler. Then in the next video their 3^rd child is born. Watch to see how the older siblings react and how the parents react and help introduce their children to their new sibling.

    Nearly 85% of people have a sibling relationship. This kind of relationship is also special with in families because they tend to be more peer-like because there tend to be less differences in power, and resources then there are in other family relationships. Because sibling relationships are enduring and peer-like, brothers and sisters are important sources of social support both in childhood and adulthood. This is often built as children lend “aid” or assist one another by giving comfort, encouragement, reassurance that they care, and helping them with effective problem solving (Dorrance, 2020). This is only one of the reasons brother and sister relationships are so important.

When you bring your new baby home your older child(ren) will have a range of emotions. They can feel excited, jealous, and even resentment. If you have young toddlers they may not be able to tell you what they are feeling, but may regress in behaviors like sucking their thumb, wanting a bottle, regressing in recent potty training skills, or even using “baby talk” to get attention (https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/second-child.html ).

Older toddlers might show you how they are feeling by testing your patience, acting out, throwing tantrums, or refusing to eat. Most often these are short lived and if you are prepared you can help your child through this transition and help them welcome the idea of a new sibling.

You can really focus on the important role that they will play as the older sibling. You can try some of these things:

·         Have your older child pick out some of the items for the new baby’s room.

• Find a gift that your older child can give the new baby like a book or a toy, maybe even get a gift for the baby to give the older child.
• ·         Keep old routines as much as possible (bedtime routines, trips to the library)
•       Find books about families that get a new baby in the library and read them together.
•    Talk about their new role in the family as the “big brother” or “big sister” and help them enjoy that new role.
•      Help them be part of taking care of the new baby. Even toddlers can bring you a new diaper to when it is time to change a diaper, or bring you a burp cloth, or pacifier.
•    They can help pick out the baby’s clothes in the morning or dance around in front of the baby to cheer them up. 

Now is not the best time to introduce other new big changes like potty training, transitioning from bottle to cup, or enrolling them in a program that would separate them from you for the first time. Try to keep things as consistent as you can during this transition.

            What is important during this time is involving them in caring for the new baby and giving them a sense of purpose and pride in helping. Participating in household tasks, chores, or caring for siblings teaches children skills that they will need to live on their own (Dunn, 2004). These skills also teach them how to socially participate as a family member, learn how to do tasks, learn and experience setting goals, plan, self-monitor, make decisions, and problem solve. Much of the preparation for life and independent living is done through this guided participation in daily household tasks and routines, especially as parents transfer more responsibility to the child.

Studies have shown that there are many positive outcomes for children who participate in household tasks. Regular chores have been linked to; greater self-control, development of prosocial behaviors, decreased likelihood of problem behaviors, determination, and participation as a family member (staying connected and unified) even in adolescents. Chores also positively effect a child’s perception of their social, academic, and life satisfaction, more than their gender, parental education, and family income (White, DeBoer, Mark, & Scharf, 2019). When compared to children who rarely do chores children who did, scored higher in prosocial, academic ability, peer relationships, life satisfaction, and having any chores with any kind of frequency was associated with improved math scores in the third grade.

    Children can be helpful at a younger age than we often think. Helping with the new baby is not an

 exception. Involving your older kids with baby care does more than just help you out. It can help with

 the cognitive development of the new baby and have positive influences on their sibling relationships

 later, as well as help the older sibling feel like they play a role in the new family structure and help

 them learn empathy for others. (https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/how-to-get-an-older-sibling-to-help-with-a-baby/).

A few things you can do to help get them involved

1. ·        Get them involved from the very beginning
2. ·         Use the skills they have. Toddlers can’t do the laundry or do the dishes, but they can make silly faces which will help the baby develop cognitively, they can sing songs, play peek-a-boo, and dance to entertain the baby.
3. ·         Highlight what they can do! Help them feel recognized, appreciated, and involved in baby’s care. Saying “Your fantastic at singing and dancing and entertaining the baby!” says more about them and helps them feel loved and appreciated more than it being about the baby, than if you say, “go sing them a song so I can get dinner fixed (fatherly).”

It is very important that parents talk about chores, responsibility and helping in the right way with their children (Rende, 2021). Treating chores like they are a necessary evil, or a burden will make children feel like they are something that they should avoid. On the other hand, when parents talk about chores in a way to express care for one another, both in the way that you shouldn’t expect others to do for you and by internalizing doing and caring for others promotes and brings a natural flow, unity, and positivity, to a family unit. 29% of parents surveyed in 2020 felt that chores made children feel closer to their family.

The goal for reframing this is to see that chores provide opportunities to involve kids in all the activities of the house instead of just taking on tasks to reduce parental burdens. We all know that helping them or allowing them to do it still takes effort on our part because children rarely do things perfectly, but the result of teaching the skills will be more collaboration at home, and kids who do learn how to do things well.

 

    Start with reasonable expectations based on their developmental level, knowledge, and capabilities. Give lots of praise for effort and offer encouragement when mistakes are made and give help when necessary. Asking children to help by handing out assignments will build their persistence, and confidence that will eventually lead to self-sufficiency.  It will also build their deeper desire to contribute and take responsibilities in the bigger picture for the social good.  

Don’t let chores turn into this!

Try Snow White’s trick or Mary Poppins!

      Want to know how to start?  Here are a few tips (mumsatthetable)

1.      Start young, get them to do things along side you even a toddlers can help do something

2.      Make it age appropriate, know what they are capable of and work with them

3.      Keep it positive and relational, don’t expect them to do it right the first time, make it a game keep it light but show them how to do it right.

4.      Keep it consistent and fair, trade up jobs so one person doesn’t always have the one job everyone hates

5.      Keep it interesting, making things a game, play music when you can, race the clock…

These skills will not only promote self-sufficiency but build stronger sibling relationships. The sibling relationship is an important part of child development. Most children spend more time interacting with their brothers and sisters than they do with any other family member. When children build higher quality relationships with one another it is shown with warmth, closeness, and problem-solving and lower levels of antagonism, conflict, and detachment, and can help kids be better adjusted in childhood and throughout adolescence. These strong relationships can also buffer kids from the risks of other negative relationships, provide protection, support, and companionship when they are in stressful conditions. Studies have shown that most children seek contact with their siblings as a way to cope with parental quarrels, and sibling affection is a protective factor in stressful life events and emotional problem (Davies, 2019).

 References

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/second-child.html

Davies, P. T., Parry, L. Q., Bascoe, S. M., Martin, M. J., & Cummings, E. M. (2019). Children’s Vulnerability to Interparental Conflict: The Protective Role of Sibling Relationship Quality. Child Development, 90(6), 2118–2134. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/cdev.13078

Dorrance Hall, E., & Shebib, S. J. (2020). Interdependent Siblings: Associations between Closest and Least Close Sibling Social Support and Sibling Relationship Satisfaction. Communication Studies, 71(4), 612–632. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/10510974.2020.1749862

Dunn, L. (2004). Validation of the CHORES: a measure of school-aged children’s participation in household tasks. Scandinavian Journal of Occupational Therapy, 11(4), 179–190. https://doi.org/10.1080/11038120410003673

Rende, R. (2021). Chores: Why they still matter and how to engage youth. Brown University Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter, 37(6), 1–4. https://doi.org/10.1002/cbl.30545

White, Elizabeth M. MD*,†; DeBoer, Mark D. MD, MSc, MCR†,‡; Scharf, Rebecca J. MD, MPH*,† Associations Between Household Chores and Childhood Self-Competency, Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics: April 2019 - Volume 40 - Issue 3 - p 176-182

doi: 10.1097/DBP.0000000000000637

https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/how-to-get-an-older-sibling-to-help-with-a-baby/

https://mumsatthetable.com/free_printable_age_appropriate_chores/