1+1=3 or 4 or more

 

Behind the content of our course

This is why this course has been created. To help many of you, who like me, may be feeling the same loss of connection with your spouse that I had been feeling. Bringing back the “we-ness” is what we’re trying to help you accomplish. It is my hope that we can do just that. 

While searching for information about the transition married couples encounter towards parenting, we find many studies that talk about anything and everything. From the decline of satisfaction after becoming parents, to the satisfaction that comes from being new parents. Studies have been done on how and what makes couples more successful in their transition to parenthood. Many maintenance behaviors and communication skills are linked to their success. We will learn about a few of these. 

            According to Dr. Gottman in his book “Baby make 3”,  Chapter 12 talks extensively about “Savoring Friendship”. For couples to stay connected, keeping that friendship connection is a key to maintaining satisfaction in your marital relationship. He talks extensively about doing this by making “Love maps'', which are essentially a guide from you to your partner’s heart. You can only make this map by really knowing your partner. To accomplish this, you will be asking open-ended questions and learning about their preferences, hopes, fears, dreams, goals, desires, and experiences. 

What does your love map look like right now?

Take 5 minutes and discuss with each other…

1)    What were the first things your partner did that made you feel loved.

2)   What does your partner do now that make you feel loved most?

3)   What do you appreciate most about your partner?

OR

Literally draw a map… how can your partner get to your heart? Include the directions on how to get there and let X 

Studies have linked that when a couple has a high-quality relationship before the baby is born and fathers are relatively equal in their involvement in parenting, there remains a higher satisfaction for both fathers and mothers (Cava-Tadik, Brown, & Mangelsdorf, 2020).  Co-parenting has a positive impact on a couple’s relationship even when it affects their satisfaction levels differently (Cava-Tadik, Brown, & Mangelsdorf, 2020). 

There are several other behaviors that help maintain relationships and can give greater satisfaction, liking and commitment (Weigel, & Ballard-Reisch, 2001). Positivity, like being cheerful, optimistic, and uncritical are some of those behaviors. Also, being open enough to discuss your relationship directly, communicating your desire to continue to be together or giving assurances is important. Having a network of common friends, associates, and relatives, and taking care of responsibilities such as, household chores are helpful. These behaviors can either be strategic and active ways to strengthen the relationship or they can be  natural, or ingrained part of the couple’s communication patterns (Weigel, & Ballard-Reisch, 2001). 

            If these things are already part of your everyday relationship, you are on the right path. If any of these could use a boost in your relationship, set a goal right now as something you are going to do each day this week. For example, if you have felt overly negative lately say 5 positives, cheerful, or, encouraging things each day. Write down your goal, share it with your partner, and post it somewhere you can remember to do it every day. Even if you must set reminders on your phone. And always look for ways to reach out to one another.

There are many great resources to help couples strengthen and maintain their relationships as they transition into parenthood. Learning more about your partner and who they truly are builds a foundation of love, trust, and friendship. Continuing to work together, parent equally, and using maintenance behaviors in your marriage will also maintain marital satisfaction.       

            Knowing what happens as couples transition into parenthood is important. Knowing how to transition more smoothly is the goal. We have discussed a few of them and hope to focus on more as we continue throughout this course. For this lesson we have focused on building and maintaining friendship by learning more about one another, having open and honest discussion with one another about things that really matter, and setting goals together for the future. This video clip from “Cheaper by the Dozen” gives a small glimpse into what open dialogue, good friendship, and staying connected could look like after children, whether it is 1 or 12.

Still got the heat- Cheaper by the dozen

Activity

With your spouse taking turns choosing Truth or Dare, click on your option and answer or do the activities together (link below). Let this just be a practice of asking and answering open ended questions and doing things for one another. After you have done this activity, share in the comments…

·          your experience

·         share what other questions, and activities you came up with,

·         share what your goal was and how you did,

·         what you learned about your partner

·         or ask us a question.

Truth or Dare Game

Our next lesson will be about finding each other’s strengths 

 

References

Cava-Tadik, Y., Brown, G. L., & Mangelsdorf, S. C. (2020). Fathers’ Satisfaction With Physical Affection Before and After the Birth of a New         Baby: Cross-Parent Effects and Associations With Family Dynamics. Journal of Family Issues, 41(4), 415–436.
John Gottman, P., & Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and                    Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.
Weigel, D. J., & Ballard-Reisch, D. S. (2001). The Impact of Relational Maintenance Behaviors on Marital Satisfaction: A Longitudinal                     Analysis. Journal of Family Communication, 1(4), 265–279. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327698JFC0104_03