Encouraging older siblings to help with baby care and learning new responsibilities.

 

Watch how this family went from 1 child to two while their oldest was just a toddler. Then in the next video their 3^rd child is born. Watch to see how the older siblings react and how the parents react and help introduce their children to their new sibling.

    Nearly 85% of people have a sibling relationship. This kind of relationship is also special with in families because they tend to be more peer-like because there tend to be less differences in power, and resources then there are in other family relationships. Because sibling relationships are enduring and peer-like, brothers and sisters are important sources of social support both in childhood and adulthood. This is often built as children lend “aid” or assist one another by giving comfort, encouragement, reassurance that they care, and helping them with effective problem solving (Dorrance, 2020). This is only one of the reasons brother and sister relationships are so important.

When you bring your new baby home your older child(ren) will have a range of emotions. They can feel excited, jealous, and even resentment. If you have young toddlers they may not be able to tell you what they are feeling, but may regress in behaviors like sucking their thumb, wanting a bottle, regressing in recent potty training skills, or even using “baby talk” to get attention (https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/second-child.html ).

Older toddlers might show you how they are feeling by testing your patience, acting out, throwing tantrums, or refusing to eat. Most often these are short lived and if you are prepared you can help your child through this transition and help them welcome the idea of a new sibling.

You can really focus on the important role that they will play as the older sibling. You can try some of these things:

·         Have your older child pick out some of the items for the new baby’s room.

• Find a gift that your older child can give the new baby like a book or a toy, maybe even get a gift for the baby to give the older child.
• ·         Keep old routines as much as possible (bedtime routines, trips to the library)
•       Find books about families that get a new baby in the library and read them together.
•    Talk about their new role in the family as the “big brother” or “big sister” and help them enjoy that new role.
•      Help them be part of taking care of the new baby. Even toddlers can bring you a new diaper to when it is time to change a diaper, or bring you a burp cloth, or pacifier.
•    They can help pick out the baby’s clothes in the morning or dance around in front of the baby to cheer them up. 

Now is not the best time to introduce other new big changes like potty training, transitioning from bottle to cup, or enrolling them in a program that would separate them from you for the first time. Try to keep things as consistent as you can during this transition.

            What is important during this time is involving them in caring for the new baby and giving them a sense of purpose and pride in helping. Participating in household tasks, chores, or caring for siblings teaches children skills that they will need to live on their own (Dunn, 2004). These skills also teach them how to socially participate as a family member, learn how to do tasks, learn and experience setting goals, plan, self-monitor, make decisions, and problem solve. Much of the preparation for life and independent living is done through this guided participation in daily household tasks and routines, especially as parents transfer more responsibility to the child.

Studies have shown that there are many positive outcomes for children who participate in household tasks. Regular chores have been linked to; greater self-control, development of prosocial behaviors, decreased likelihood of problem behaviors, determination, and participation as a family member (staying connected and unified) even in adolescents. Chores also positively effect a child’s perception of their social, academic, and life satisfaction, more than their gender, parental education, and family income (White, DeBoer, Mark, & Scharf, 2019). When compared to children who rarely do chores children who did, scored higher in prosocial, academic ability, peer relationships, life satisfaction, and having any chores with any kind of frequency was associated with improved math scores in the third grade.

    Children can be helpful at a younger age than we often think. Helping with the new baby is not an

 exception. Involving your older kids with baby care does more than just help you out. It can help with

 the cognitive development of the new baby and have positive influences on their sibling relationships

 later, as well as help the older sibling feel like they play a role in the new family structure and help

 them learn empathy for others. (https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/how-to-get-an-older-sibling-to-help-with-a-baby/).

A few things you can do to help get them involved

1. ·        Get them involved from the very beginning
2. ·         Use the skills they have. Toddlers can’t do the laundry or do the dishes, but they can make silly faces which will help the baby develop cognitively, they can sing songs, play peek-a-boo, and dance to entertain the baby.
3. ·         Highlight what they can do! Help them feel recognized, appreciated, and involved in baby’s care. Saying “Your fantastic at singing and dancing and entertaining the baby!” says more about them and helps them feel loved and appreciated more than it being about the baby, than if you say, “go sing them a song so I can get dinner fixed (fatherly).”

It is very important that parents talk about chores, responsibility and helping in the right way with their children (Rende, 2021). Treating chores like they are a necessary evil, or a burden will make children feel like they are something that they should avoid. On the other hand, when parents talk about chores in a way to express care for one another, both in the way that you shouldn’t expect others to do for you and by internalizing doing and caring for others promotes and brings a natural flow, unity, and positivity, to a family unit. 29% of parents surveyed in 2020 felt that chores made children feel closer to their family.

The goal for reframing this is to see that chores provide opportunities to involve kids in all the activities of the house instead of just taking on tasks to reduce parental burdens. We all know that helping them or allowing them to do it still takes effort on our part because children rarely do things perfectly, but the result of teaching the skills will be more collaboration at home, and kids who do learn how to do things well.

 

    Start with reasonable expectations based on their developmental level, knowledge, and capabilities. Give lots of praise for effort and offer encouragement when mistakes are made and give help when necessary. Asking children to help by handing out assignments will build their persistence, and confidence that will eventually lead to self-sufficiency.  It will also build their deeper desire to contribute and take responsibilities in the bigger picture for the social good.  

Don’t let chores turn into this!

Try Snow White’s trick or Mary Poppins!

      Want to know how to start?  Here are a few tips (mumsatthetable)

1.      Start young, get them to do things along side you even a toddlers can help do something

2.      Make it age appropriate, know what they are capable of and work with them

3.      Keep it positive and relational, don’t expect them to do it right the first time, make it a game keep it light but show them how to do it right.

4.      Keep it consistent and fair, trade up jobs so one person doesn’t always have the one job everyone hates

5.      Keep it interesting, making things a game, play music when you can, race the clock…

These skills will not only promote self-sufficiency but build stronger sibling relationships. The sibling relationship is an important part of child development. Most children spend more time interacting with their brothers and sisters than they do with any other family member. When children build higher quality relationships with one another it is shown with warmth, closeness, and problem-solving and lower levels of antagonism, conflict, and detachment, and can help kids be better adjusted in childhood and throughout adolescence. These strong relationships can also buffer kids from the risks of other negative relationships, provide protection, support, and companionship when they are in stressful conditions. Studies have shown that most children seek contact with their siblings as a way to cope with parental quarrels, and sibling affection is a protective factor in stressful life events and emotional problem (Davies, 2019).

 References

https://kidshealth.org/en/parents/second-child.html

Davies, P. T., Parry, L. Q., Bascoe, S. M., Martin, M. J., & Cummings, E. M. (2019). Children’s Vulnerability to Interparental Conflict: The Protective Role of Sibling Relationship Quality. Child Development, 90(6), 2118–2134. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1111/cdev.13078

Dorrance Hall, E., & Shebib, S. J. (2020). Interdependent Siblings: Associations between Closest and Least Close Sibling Social Support and Sibling Relationship Satisfaction. Communication Studies, 71(4), 612–632. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/10510974.2020.1749862

Dunn, L. (2004). Validation of the CHORES: a measure of school-aged children’s participation in household tasks. Scandinavian Journal of Occupational Therapy, 11(4), 179–190. https://doi.org/10.1080/11038120410003673

Rende, R. (2021). Chores: Why they still matter and how to engage youth. Brown University Child & Adolescent Behavior Letter, 37(6), 1–4. https://doi.org/10.1002/cbl.30545

White, Elizabeth M. MD*,†; DeBoer, Mark D. MD, MSc, MCR†,‡; Scharf, Rebecca J. MD, MPH*,† Associations Between Household Chores and Childhood Self-Competency, Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics: April 2019 - Volume 40 - Issue 3 - p 176-182

doi: 10.1097/DBP.0000000000000637

https://www.fatherly.com/parenting/how-to-get-an-older-sibling-to-help-with-a-baby/

https://mumsatthetable.com/free_printable_age_appropriate_chores/

When 1+1=3, or 4, or 5… Helping older siblings stay connected to mom and dad, and not neglected when baby comes.

 

    Even though this example is from "Lady and the Tramp" and these are dogs, Disney is teaching us a principle that is true even for children when a new baby comes into the family. Children see all kinds of changes, for mom and dad, their time, and attention. Maybe mom and dad are more tired, less patient, or distracted. Once the baby gets here some times it may no feel any better. Let's talk about how to help children during this transition so they don't feel like this. 

Sibling rivalry can be a very real thing and can be found in many families and can be very stressful for parents and siblings. Having a new baby can cause older siblings to feel displaced, frustrated, angry, unloved, forgotten. There are a few steps you can take to help your child through this transition. Emotionally coaching your child will help you and them work through the feelings. There are 5 steps to emotion coaching (Gottman, 1999).

1.      Be aware of the child’s emotions. You must be aware of your emotions before you can be aware of theirs. Being aware simply means you can recognize them and identify them.  Watch them look for their cues, watch body language, and listen to tone of voice.

2.       Recognize the emotion as an opportunity for intimacy and teaching. When you acknowledge your child’s feelings you are helping them learn the skills, they will need to sooth themselves. Help them do this early on before they escalate and become a full-blown tantrum.  Once you see and hear their body language and tone of voice you know what is coming next. Take a few deep breaths if needed.

3.      Listening empathetically and validating the child’s feelings. 

Watch how Joy just wants to move on. She is in too much of a hurry, or just wants to sweep Bingbong’s feelings under the rug. But Sadness sits and listens, acknowledging, and validating how he feels and allows him to feel that way. Empathy goes a long way to helping someone feel better. Not because you told them to feel better, but because you understand, and listen.

4.     Help the child verbally label the emotions. Watch how Ray listens to what his daughter is saying and allows her to feel the feelings she is having. Helping our children voice their feelings and understand them will help them work through the things that may be upsetting them.

 5. Setting limits while helping the child problem-solve. Ray does this some as well. He helps Alli label her feelings and understand why she is feeling the way she was and then helps her know that just because she feels that way it is not ok to act out.

Remember

All feelings are acceptable

All wishes are acceptable

All behaviors and actions are not acceptable

You can help your children understand their feelings, understand the things they want, and learn to set limits and problem solve.

    The age of your children also plays into how they react to having a new sibling. Studies have shown that the younger the child is when they become an older sibling the more distressed, they were and regressive behaviors in toddlers was reported by 93% (Sawicki, 1997). While children that are under 3 are so busy investigating and exploring their environment and developing physical, emotional, cognitive and social skills. Even though they are becoming more independent they need a lot more approval, reassurance, and guidance from their parents. Without this they become frustrated and discouraged. Young children are egocentric they are unable to see things from another person's point of view and are unable to cope with the fact that they are now sharing their parents' attention and love. Babies are demanding and time consuming , and older children are often expected to wait, and this can be difficult for a child under 3 years old who haven't developed this skill yet. 

Preschool children on the other hand tend to be less jealous of new babies and can be more independent and can be more involved with other friends and activities. Preschool aged children tend to have an easier time than children under 3 adjusting to a brand-new baby in the home. School aged children are often secure with their place in the family and have outside interests and activities and are likely to feel less jealous of a new baby. There are things you can do along with the emotion coaching to minimize feelings of jealousy between siblings by creating a supportive, nurturing environment that helps each child feel secure and loved. Here is a good example of what NOT to do.

The mom is video lists her children as the things she loves and tries to say it is in no order but then makes it clear that it is. This causes more contention and sibling rivalry for the kids.  Studies have shown that children equate more affection and less control by parents as “favoritism” for that child (Volling, 1997). When children are treated differently it also effects sibling’s relationships. Studies have also shown that many children do believe that they are treated differently than their siblings by their parents (Manning & South, 2018).  Parents typically deny this and remind their children that they have to treat their children equally, but the research shows that favoritism is common in most families. These can be alleviated by continuing affection, attention, and resources to all children fairly. Find ways to show an increase of love and spend time and attention to each of your children.

A Few tips I have learned along the way!

ACTIVITY

1.      Come up with a plan for some one-on-one time with your children. Make it realistic! Maybe 15 minutes when the baby is down for a nap, right before bed one of you with the baby one of you with the older child(ren). Do what will work for you. Make it meaningful.

2.      If you are soon to have or have a new baby create a basket that is just for when you are busy with baby care for your older kids. Something they will like, something that will entertain them and something they will look forward to getting to do when you are busy.

Coming soon! 

Encouraging older siblings to help with baby care and learning new responsibilities.

References

Gable, S. (1999). “The Heart of Parenting: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child,” by John Gottman with Joan DeClaire. Book Review. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 14(4), 575–578.

Manning, J., & South, A. L. (2018). Family favoritism: Defining a communication-oriented construct. Qualitative Research Reports in Communication, 19(1), 18–24. https://doi.org/10.1080/17459435.2017.1418416

Sawicki, J. A. (1997). Sibling rivalry and the new baby: anticipatory guidance and management strategies. Pediatric Nursing, 23(3), 298+. https://link.gale.com/apps/doc/A19556572/AONE?u=byuidaho&sid=googleScholar&xid=652188a6

Volling, B. L. (1997). The family correlates of maternal and paternal perceptions of differential treatment in early childhood. Family Relations, 46, 277. https://doi.org/10.2307/585120

 

Date Night and One on One time

 

    What would you say if you heard that parental “burn out” happens at about the same rate for fathers as it does mothers? And that the side effects are often more detrimental to fathers than mothers in that they more often cause, escape, suicidal inclinations, and neglectful inclinations towards children for men more than in women (Roskam & Mikolajczak, 2020). This burnout effects parenting and our relationships. 

The good news is there is a cure for this burnout and a way to maintain those strong loving relationships. We have gotten started with a few things already from our last 2 posts. As you maintain and strengthen a sense of “we-ness” and unity in your marriage, and work on finding each other’s strengths through compliments, affection and admiration you are on your way.

"NEWLY WED" GAME

Each of you privately write down your answers and the answer you think your partner might give to the questions below. (Keep them separate.) After you write down your answers share them with each other. For each one you guessed right you get a point. Who ever gets the most points get to pick the next date night activity!  Here we go….

1.  What is your partner’s favorite date night activity?

2.   How often does your partner want to go on a date?

3.On a scale of 1 (being low) to 10 (high) how would you rate your dating life right now?

4. What was your partners favorite date you went on before you got married?

5.  Do you like staying in dates over going out dates?

6. Do you prefer adventure dates or romantic dates?

7.  What would be your ideal romantic date?

8. What night of the week does your partner think is ideal for date night?

9.  If money were no option, what would you want to do for a date night?

10.  Does your partner have a “go to” date night outfit? What is it? (double points if you get both right)

            One study showed that couples do spend more time together than they do with anyone else counting all the time they are home, eating, sleeping, and caring for a home. The study also showed that it is important for couples to make time to eat together, and spend time together in the evening, especially because of all the hours they spend working, tending children can negatively affect their relationship (Glorieux, Minnen, & Tienoven, 2011).

            The quality time that spouses spend together is critically important to marital quality (Glorieux, Minnern, & Tienoven, 2011).  A study done during the Covid-19 outbreak showed that family routines help establish order in the home and help gain balance for children. This balance for children is important for familial relationships not just during quarantine but always (Kracht, Karzmarzyk, & Staiano, 2021). This routine will help not only children gain balance but leave some much needed one on one time for parents in the evening. Getting children into a good bedtime routine will leave time for you to talk, plan, and just be together before the exhaustion of the day takes over and you have nothing left for one another.  

            Not only do couples need time to care for children, home, work, and other responsibilities, many couples struggle with the distractions of social media or media in general. There is a significant romantic disengagement that comes with any media addiction. This addiction can be a distraction that lowers martial satisfaction. This romantic disengagement is a gradual loss of love (Saeed Abbasi, 2018). Don't let your phone, or other device get in the way of quality time with your spouse. 

Today we are going to discuss another approach that can really help strengthen both the things we have already talked about and help move your relationship forward in other positive way. Date night!

Remember those….

 

 

 

 

 

 Warning! Do NOT let it

 turn into this…

This couple shares a few really great tips on how to incorporate date night even when your baby is little and you can’t really leave yet, or you can’t afford a babysitter.

This video takes me back to the early days of my husband and I being married with little ones. My husband and I got married, got pregnant 4 months later, and bought a house that needed extensive remodeling 3 months after that. To say we had little time and money might be major simplification. Many of our “date nights” those first few years with little ones in our home involved one of us getting the kids settled into bed and the other one of us walking across the street to pick up 2 “Blizzard of the Month’s” (Dairy Queen use to have a Blizzard they would discount each month. This made it so we could afford to both have one!) We would get our Blizzard’s and watch a movie or just talk while the kids slept.

Many couples are going about date night all wrong. If you are having date night, there are a few things to remember. Brain behavior researchers have found that just being together is not all there is to it to keep a relationship fresh. Scientists are showing that the simple prescription for reigniting that romantic flame that brought you together you need to change things up a bit. Instead of doing the same thing like going to your favorite restaurant with the same people, couples need to build their date nights around new and different activities that you both enjoy. The goal is to find ways to involve novelty into your relationship. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. It can be as simple as going to a different restaurant, something unusual, and different like, take a cooking class, try frisbee golf, an amusement park. The brain science shows that new experiences activate the brain reward system which floods your brain with dopamine and norepinephrine. These two things are also lit up during the early stages of romantic love. Studies show that the decline of romantic love do decline and are replaced by the powerful predictable feelings that come with long-term attachments. But many studies show that simply adding novelty or simply doing new things together may often help bring back the butterflies by recreating those same chemical surges that came early on in courtship (Parker-Pope). So don’t do the same ol’ thing. Get out and try something new or stay in and try something new. Even if it is a new recipe, new show, new game, new….

Dr. Gottman also teaches that the things we have already discussed are the basis for romance, passion, and great sex. All the other pieces; friendship, unity/we-ness, appreciation, affection, and admiration, are all forms of foreplay (Gottman, 2013). He also found in his studies that all positive interactions were foreplay. Every time you do something kind for your partner, let them know they are appreciated, desirable, listening when they have had a bad day, or acknowledge their goodness in anyway are all forms of foreplay. Even if it doesn’t mean right now, it means I still want and need you.

Click the link below for many date night ideas broken into categories. 

At home date night	Active date nights	Cheap Date night	Romantic Date nights
30 at home date nights	Tone and tighten healthy date nights	The Merrill project	My sweet home life
10 Date night ideas	Couple travel the world date nights	Natural beach loving	Frugal confessions
Already tired tomorrow date nights	10 active date nights by Friday we are in love	Dating Divas	Jack of all things

 

Don’t end up like George Lopez from this video Remember date night and make time for your spouse

Try a few date nights! Set a date and time, make it happen. Put your phones down and spend time one on one together. Come back and share in the comments how your dates went. What went well? What was hard about it? What do you look forward to? 

When 1+1=3, or 4, or 5… Helping older siblings stay connected to mom and dad, and helping them avoid feeling neglected when a new baby comes.

 References 

John Gottman, P., & Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.

Glorieux, I., Minnen, J., & van Tienoven, T. P. (2011). Spouse “Together Time”: Quality Time Within the Household. Social Indicators Research, 101(2), 281–287. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41476443

Kracht, C. L., Katzmarzyk, P. T., & Staiano, A. E. (2021). Household chaos, family routines, and young child movement behaviors in the U.S. during the COVID-19 outbreak: a cross-sectional study. BMC Public Health, 21(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-021-10909-3

Roskam, I., Mikolajczak, M. Gender Differences in the Nature, Antecedents and Consequences of Parental Burnout. Sex Roles 83, 485–498 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5

Saeed Abbasi, I. (2018). The Link Between Romantic Disengagement and Facebook Addiction: Where Does Relationship Commitment Fit In? American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(4), 375–389. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1540283

https://www.emotionalaffair.org