My husband and I have been married for nearly 23
years, and we have 5 children together. Throughout the past 23 years I have
learned many things about my husband. He has many incredible talents and gifts
that bless me and our entire family every day. Many of them I was not aware of
when we first married. I’ll name a few.
1. He
is incredibly handy! There is not a thing he can’t fix. He has saved us
thousands of dollars over the years by simply knowing how to fix things.
2. He
is great in an emergency! He stays calm and knows how to help in any situation.
I used to worry when it took longer for him to get home than I expected. But
over the years I grew to expect that if he was late and hadn’t called it meant
there was an emergency, and he was helping. (There have been many car accident
victims he has helped.)
3. He
is a playful dad. Not all men (or women) are comfortable with infants. They
feel they are fragile or don’t know what to do with them. But he has been hands
on and fun with babies from day one! He changed every diaper for everyone of
our babies in the hospital. He was never afraid to bathe them, bounce them, or
play with them even from birth. He did things differently than I did, but he
brought and element of fun at every stage.
I could go on and on
about the things that he is good at, and I am grateful for his talents and
skills. But lets talk about how we can appreciate our spouses’ differences and
strengths and how they strengthen our marriage and family.
First let’s talk about the “3 A’s” that when used
every day make couples stronger.
·
Appreciation
·
Affection
·
Admiration
In this comic we see the
father appreciating and admiring the hard work and talent his wife has. Then,
how the complaint ruins the good feelings that were had by the mother. This is often how it works. Dr. John Gottman
teaches in his book “Baby makes 3” that it doesn’t take much to have this effect
on a marriage, even very small acts of affection like a gentle touch, saying
thank you, or even praising one another. These things can be as simple as
appreciating dinner that was made, dry cleaning that was picked up, or saying
good job, even on small accomplishments (Gottman, 2013).
Often,
we look for flaws in our spouse, their shortcomings, or things they have
forgotten to do. Because of this, we miss out on seeing all the good that they
do. Sometimes we can go days or even longer without praising or thanking our
spouse, which can lead to mounting pressure. We must focus on all that our
spouse has done. Thinking those things is not enough. We need to express them
to one another.
From an online lesson given by Trevor
O’Reggio titled Connecting with your spouse he taught, “Let each give love
rather than exact it. Cultivate that which is noblest in yourselves and be
quick to recognize the good qualities in each other. The consciousness of been
appreciated is a wonderful stimulus and satisfaction. Sympathy and respect
encourage striving after excellence and love itself increases as it is stimulating
to nobler aims.” Here he is reminding
and teaching that when we strive to be our best, look for, and find them in our
spouses, there is growth in our satisfaction and an increase of love.
Take opportunities to catch your spouse doing
something right then tell them! Maybe your spouse is the one who remembers to
take the trash to the curb on garbage day. Let them know you appreciate it!
Maybe your spouse is the one who loves to play with the baby, do bath time, bedtime,
or is the excellent at comforting a sad baby.
Studies have also shown that gratitude (or
appreciation) can strengthen relationships and boost mood. Leong et al. (2020)
found those who have a higher disposition of gratitude are also more likely to
notice the “costliness of others” this means they see the sacrifice others make
in their own, and other’s behalf, thus increasing their gratitude even more.
They also found that gratitude also boosts appreciation for their partner and all
their relationship maintenance behaviors. When a spouse feels appreciated, they
in turn feel more appreciation for their partner and are more responsive and
committed in their relationship as well.
One
“antidote” or cure for contempt in marriage is fondness or admiration. This is
the next step from gratitude and steps further into identifying what is
inherently good and positive about your partner (Gordon & Baucom
2009). His study supports the goal of
looking for and finding all that is good in your partner and then expressing
it to them. It is important that while looking for and maximizing the positives
we don’t overlook problems that do need to be addressed. Gordon and Baucom
found that those who said their spouse was positive had higher levels of
satisfaction in their marriage, and that those who foster each other’s strengths
will enhance their relationship and develop/strengthen their own strengths as
well. This will enhance the over all tone of the relationship.
This “Youtuber” Dude Dad talks about how frustrating parenting and marriage can be. But how staying connected and being real but choosing to focus on the good. We can choose to see the good in our life, our partner, and our children. When we do that our marriages and families are stronger. He shows a good balance of focusing on the good and addressing the real things in life, and how focusing on what is good in your life can help you face those challenges together.
This couple from “The Kids are Alright” take just a minute to express love in a very simple way. Our expressions do not always need to be huge and grand. But Appreciation, Affection, and Admiration will go a long way.
Activity
Look
at your list that you made of your spouse’s positive qualities. Now pick 3 of
them and think of a time when they demonstrated that quality. Write that
example next to that quality, and then share it with them. Over the next week
pick another quality from the list and an example of a time they demonstrated
it and share it with them. Do this a few times throughout the week.
Share
your experience with us in the comments or ask questions below.
Our
next post we will discuss Date Night, and the why and how to create time for
the two of you.
Reference
GORDON, C. L.,
& BAUCOM, D. H. (2009). Examining the individual within marriage: Personal
strengths and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 16(3), 421–435.
https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01231.x
John Gottman, P.,
& Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The
Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby
Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.
Korja, R.,
Ahlqvist-Björkroth, S., Räihä, H., Piha, J., Otava, R., Lavanchy-Scaiola, C.,
& Aromaa, M. (n.d.). Mother’s marital satisfaction associated with the
quality of mother-father-child triadic interaction. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 57(4), 305–312. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12294
Leong, J. L. T.,
Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y.
(2020). Is gratitude always beneficial to interpersonal relationships? The
interplay of grateful disposition, grateful mood, and grateful expression among
married couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(1), 64–78. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219842868
https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3438&=&context=pubs&=&sei-redir=1&referer=https%253A%252F%252Fscholar.google.com%252Fscholar%253Fhl%253Den%2526as_sdt%253D0%25252C45%2526q%253Dcomplimenting%252Bspouse%252B%2526btnG%253D#search=%22complimenting%20spouse%22
