Date Night and One on One time

 

    What would you say if you heard that parental “burn out” happens at about the same rate for fathers as it does mothers? And that the side effects are often more detrimental to fathers than mothers in that they more often cause, escape, suicidal inclinations, and neglectful inclinations towards children for men more than in women (Roskam & Mikolajczak, 2020). This burnout effects parenting and our relationships. 

The good news is there is a cure for this burnout and a way to maintain those strong loving relationships. We have gotten started with a few things already from our last 2 posts. As you maintain and strengthen a sense of “we-ness” and unity in your marriage, and work on finding each other’s strengths through compliments, affection and admiration you are on your way.

"NEWLY WED" GAME

Each of you privately write down your answers and the answer you think your partner might give to the questions below. (Keep them separate.) After you write down your answers share them with each other. For each one you guessed right you get a point. Who ever gets the most points get to pick the next date night activity!  Here we go….

1.  What is your partner’s favorite date night activity?

2.   How often does your partner want to go on a date?

3.On a scale of 1 (being low) to 10 (high) how would you rate your dating life right now?

4. What was your partners favorite date you went on before you got married?

5.  Do you like staying in dates over going out dates?

6. Do you prefer adventure dates or romantic dates?

7.  What would be your ideal romantic date?

8. What night of the week does your partner think is ideal for date night?

9.  If money were no option, what would you want to do for a date night?

10.  Does your partner have a “go to” date night outfit? What is it? (double points if you get both right)

            One study showed that couples do spend more time together than they do with anyone else counting all the time they are home, eating, sleeping, and caring for a home. The study also showed that it is important for couples to make time to eat together, and spend time together in the evening, especially because of all the hours they spend working, tending children can negatively affect their relationship (Glorieux, Minnen, & Tienoven, 2011).

            The quality time that spouses spend together is critically important to marital quality (Glorieux, Minnern, & Tienoven, 2011).  A study done during the Covid-19 outbreak showed that family routines help establish order in the home and help gain balance for children. This balance for children is important for familial relationships not just during quarantine but always (Kracht, Karzmarzyk, & Staiano, 2021). This routine will help not only children gain balance but leave some much needed one on one time for parents in the evening. Getting children into a good bedtime routine will leave time for you to talk, plan, and just be together before the exhaustion of the day takes over and you have nothing left for one another.  

            Not only do couples need time to care for children, home, work, and other responsibilities, many couples struggle with the distractions of social media or media in general. There is a significant romantic disengagement that comes with any media addiction. This addiction can be a distraction that lowers martial satisfaction. This romantic disengagement is a gradual loss of love (Saeed Abbasi, 2018). Don't let your phone, or other device get in the way of quality time with your spouse. 

Today we are going to discuss another approach that can really help strengthen both the things we have already talked about and help move your relationship forward in other positive way. Date night!

Remember those….

 

 

 

 

 

 Warning! Do NOT let it

 turn into this…

This couple shares a few really great tips on how to incorporate date night even when your baby is little and you can’t really leave yet, or you can’t afford a babysitter.

This video takes me back to the early days of my husband and I being married with little ones. My husband and I got married, got pregnant 4 months later, and bought a house that needed extensive remodeling 3 months after that. To say we had little time and money might be major simplification. Many of our “date nights” those first few years with little ones in our home involved one of us getting the kids settled into bed and the other one of us walking across the street to pick up 2 “Blizzard of the Month’s” (Dairy Queen use to have a Blizzard they would discount each month. This made it so we could afford to both have one!) We would get our Blizzard’s and watch a movie or just talk while the kids slept.

Many couples are going about date night all wrong. If you are having date night, there are a few things to remember. Brain behavior researchers have found that just being together is not all there is to it to keep a relationship fresh. Scientists are showing that the simple prescription for reigniting that romantic flame that brought you together you need to change things up a bit. Instead of doing the same thing like going to your favorite restaurant with the same people, couples need to build their date nights around new and different activities that you both enjoy. The goal is to find ways to involve novelty into your relationship. It doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive. It can be as simple as going to a different restaurant, something unusual, and different like, take a cooking class, try frisbee golf, an amusement park. The brain science shows that new experiences activate the brain reward system which floods your brain with dopamine and norepinephrine. These two things are also lit up during the early stages of romantic love. Studies show that the decline of romantic love do decline and are replaced by the powerful predictable feelings that come with long-term attachments. But many studies show that simply adding novelty or simply doing new things together may often help bring back the butterflies by recreating those same chemical surges that came early on in courtship (Parker-Pope). So don’t do the same ol’ thing. Get out and try something new or stay in and try something new. Even if it is a new recipe, new show, new game, new….

Dr. Gottman also teaches that the things we have already discussed are the basis for romance, passion, and great sex. All the other pieces; friendship, unity/we-ness, appreciation, affection, and admiration, are all forms of foreplay (Gottman, 2013). He also found in his studies that all positive interactions were foreplay. Every time you do something kind for your partner, let them know they are appreciated, desirable, listening when they have had a bad day, or acknowledge their goodness in anyway are all forms of foreplay. Even if it doesn’t mean right now, it means I still want and need you.

Click the link below for many date night ideas broken into categories. 

At home date night	Active date nights	Cheap Date night	Romantic Date nights
30 at home date nights	Tone and tighten healthy date nights	The Merrill project	My sweet home life
10 Date night ideas	Couple travel the world date nights	Natural beach loving	Frugal confessions
Already tired tomorrow date nights	10 active date nights by Friday we are in love	Dating Divas	Jack of all things

 

Don’t end up like George Lopez from this video Remember date night and make time for your spouse

Try a few date nights! Set a date and time, make it happen. Put your phones down and spend time one on one together. Come back and share in the comments how your dates went. What went well? What was hard about it? What do you look forward to? 

When 1+1=3, or 4, or 5… Helping older siblings stay connected to mom and dad, and helping them avoid feeling neglected when a new baby comes.

 References 

John Gottman, P., & Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.

Glorieux, I., Minnen, J., & van Tienoven, T. P. (2011). Spouse “Together Time”: Quality Time Within the Household. Social Indicators Research, 101(2), 281–287. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41476443

Kracht, C. L., Katzmarzyk, P. T., & Staiano, A. E. (2021). Household chaos, family routines, and young child movement behaviors in the U.S. during the COVID-19 outbreak: a cross-sectional study. BMC Public Health, 21(1), 1–12. https://doi.org/10.1186/s12889-021-10909-3

Roskam, I., Mikolajczak, M. Gender Differences in the Nature, Antecedents and Consequences of Parental Burnout. Sex Roles 83, 485–498 (2020). https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-020-01121-5

Saeed Abbasi, I. (2018). The Link Between Romantic Disengagement and Facebook Addiction: Where Does Relationship Commitment Fit In? American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(4), 375–389. https://doi-org.byui.idm.oclc.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1540283

https://www.emotionalaffair.org

 

Finding Your Partners Strengths

 

    My husband and I have been married for nearly 23 years, and we have 5 children together. Throughout the past 23 years I have learned many things about my husband. He has many incredible talents and gifts that bless me and our entire family every day. Many of them I was not aware of when we first married. I’ll name a few.

        1.  He is incredibly handy! There is not a thing he can’t fix. He has saved us thousands of dollars over the years by simply knowing how to fix things.

        2.   He is great in an emergency! He stays calm and knows how to help in any situation. I used to worry when it took longer for him to get home than I expected. But over the years I grew to expect that if he was late and hadn’t called it meant there was an emergency, and he was helping. (There have been many car accident victims he has helped.)

        3.   He is a playful dad. Not all men (or women) are comfortable with infants. They feel they are fragile or don’t know what to do with them. But he has been hands on and fun with babies from day one! He changed every diaper for everyone of our babies in the hospital. He was never afraid to bathe them, bounce them, or play with them even from birth. He did things differently than I did, but he brought and element of fun at every stage.

I could go on and on about the things that he is good at, and I am grateful for his talents and skills. But lets talk about how we can appreciate our spouses’ differences and strengths and how they strengthen our marriage and family. 

First let’s talk about the “3 A’s” that when used every day make couples stronger.

·         Appreciation

·         Affection

·         Admiration

In this comic we see the father appreciating and admiring the hard work and talent his wife has. Then, how the complaint ruins the good feelings that were had by the mother.  This is often how it works. Dr. John Gottman teaches in his book “Baby makes 3” that it doesn’t take much to have this effect on a marriage, even very small acts of affection like a gentle touch, saying thank you, or even praising one another. These things can be as simple as appreciating dinner that was made, dry cleaning that was picked up, or saying good job, even on small accomplishments (Gottman, 2013).

            Often, we look for flaws in our spouse, their shortcomings, or things they have forgotten to do. Because of this, we miss out on seeing all the good that they do. Sometimes we can go days or even longer without praising or thanking our spouse, which can lead to mounting pressure. We must focus on all that our spouse has done. Thinking those things is not enough. We need to express them to one another.

            From an online lesson given by Trevor O’Reggio titled Connecting with your spouse he taught, “Let each give love rather than exact it. Cultivate that which is noblest in yourselves and be quick to recognize the good qualities in each other. The consciousness of been appreciated is a wonderful stimulus and satisfaction. Sympathy and respect encourage striving after excellence and love itself increases as it is stimulating to nobler aims.”  Here he is reminding and teaching that when we strive to be our best, look for, and find them in our spouses, there is growth in our satisfaction and an increase of love. 

 Set a timer for 5 minutes and make a list of your spouse’s positive qualities.

 (Hold on to this till the end of this post we will use it again.

    Take opportunities to catch your spouse doing something right then tell them! Maybe your spouse is the one who remembers to take the trash to the curb on garbage day. Let them know you appreciate it! Maybe your spouse is the one who loves to play with the baby, do bath time, bedtime, or is the excellent at comforting a sad baby.

            Studies have shown that conflict within marriage is often related to hostile-competitive parenting styles. They also show that lower warmth and cooperation between parents distress a marriage (Koria et. Al, 2016).  But we know warmth, cooperation, and shared enjoyment brings better marital function and positively effects both parents and children.  Both parents experience radical changes at the birth of their first child and need emotional support. Studies have shown that (especially women) need extra support. Much of which can be met with a solid relationship with her spouse.

    Studies have also shown that gratitude (or appreciation) can strengthen relationships and boost mood. Leong et al. (2020) found those who have a higher disposition of gratitude are also more likely to notice the “costliness of others” this means they see the sacrifice others make in their own, and other’s behalf, thus increasing their gratitude even more. They also found that gratitude also boosts appreciation for their partner and all their relationship maintenance behaviors. When a spouse feels appreciated, they in turn feel more appreciation for their partner and are more responsive and committed in their relationship as well.

            One “antidote” or cure for contempt in marriage is fondness or admiration. This is the next step from gratitude and steps further into identifying what is inherently good and positive about your partner (Gordon & Baucom 2009).  His study supports the goal of looking for and finding all that is good in your partner and then expressing it to them. It is important that while looking for and maximizing the positives we don’t overlook problems that do need to be addressed. Gordon and Baucom found that those who said their spouse was positive had higher levels of satisfaction in their marriage, and that those who foster each other’s strengths will enhance their relationship and develop/strengthen their own strengths as well. This will enhance the over all tone of the relationship. 

This “Youtuber” Dude Dad talks about how frustrating parenting and marriage can be. But how staying connected and being real but choosing to focus on the good. We can choose to see the good in our life, our partner, and our children. When we do that our marriages and families are stronger. He shows a good balance of focusing on the good and addressing the real things in life, and how focusing on what is good in your life can help you face those challenges together.

This couple from “The Kids are Alright” take just a minute to express love in a very simple way. Our expressions do not always need to be huge and grand. But Appreciation, Affection, and Admiration will go a long way.

 

 Watch this clip from “Young Sheldon”, the parents are not getting along, and their friends teach them how showing appreciation for one another has been good for their marriage and encourage them to try it. You can see the shift in the way they feel about one another, it changes their whole countenance. Showing appreciation for one another and all they do, their strengths that they bring to the relationship truly builds and strengthens a marriage.

Activity

Look at your list that you made of your spouse’s positive qualities. Now pick 3 of them and think of a time when they demonstrated that quality. Write that example next to that quality, and then share it with them. Over the next week pick another quality from the list and an example of a time they demonstrated it and share it with them. Do this a few times throughout the week.

Share your experience with us in the comments or ask questions below.

Our next post we will discuss Date Night, and the why and how to create time for the two of you.

Reference

GORDON, C. L., & BAUCOM, D. H. (2009). Examining the individual within marriage: Personal strengths and relationship satisfaction. Personal Relationships, 16(3), 421–435. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2009.01231.x

John Gottman, P., & Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.

Korja, R., Ahlqvist-Björkroth, S., Räihä, H., Piha, J., Otava, R., Lavanchy-Scaiola, C., & Aromaa, M. (n.d.). Mother’s marital satisfaction associated with the quality of mother-father-child triadic interaction. Scandinavian Journal of Psychology, 57(4), 305–312. https://doi.org/10.1111/sjop.12294

Leong, J. L. T., Chen, S. X., Fung, H. H. L., Bond, M. H., Siu, N. Y. F., & Zhu, J. Y. (2020). Is gratitude always beneficial to interpersonal relationships? The interplay of grateful disposition, grateful mood, and grateful expression among married couples. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 46(1), 64–78. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167219842868

https://digitalcommons.andrews.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=3438&=&context=pubs&=&sei-redir=1&referer=https%253A%252F%252Fscholar.google.com%252Fscholar%253Fhl%253Den%2526as_sdt%253D0%25252C45%2526q%253Dcomplimenting%252Bspouse%252B%2526btnG%253D#search=%22complimenting%20spouse%22

 

1+1=3 or 4 or more

 

Behind the content of our course

This is why this course has been created. To help many of you, who like me, may be feeling the same loss of connection with your spouse that I had been feeling. Bringing back the “we-ness” is what we’re trying to help you accomplish. It is my hope that we can do just that. 

While searching for information about the transition married couples encounter towards parenting, we find many studies that talk about anything and everything. From the decline of satisfaction after becoming parents, to the satisfaction that comes from being new parents. Studies have been done on how and what makes couples more successful in their transition to parenthood. Many maintenance behaviors and communication skills are linked to their success. We will learn about a few of these. 

            According to Dr. Gottman in his book “Baby make 3”,  Chapter 12 talks extensively about “Savoring Friendship”. For couples to stay connected, keeping that friendship connection is a key to maintaining satisfaction in your marital relationship. He talks extensively about doing this by making “Love maps'', which are essentially a guide from you to your partner’s heart. You can only make this map by really knowing your partner. To accomplish this, you will be asking open-ended questions and learning about their preferences, hopes, fears, dreams, goals, desires, and experiences. 

What does your love map look like right now?

Take 5 minutes and discuss with each other…

1)    What were the first things your partner did that made you feel loved.

2)   What does your partner do now that make you feel loved most?

3)   What do you appreciate most about your partner?

OR

Literally draw a map… how can your partner get to your heart? Include the directions on how to get there and let X 

Studies have linked that when a couple has a high-quality relationship before the baby is born and fathers are relatively equal in their involvement in parenting, there remains a higher satisfaction for both fathers and mothers (Cava-Tadik, Brown, & Mangelsdorf, 2020).  Co-parenting has a positive impact on a couple’s relationship even when it affects their satisfaction levels differently (Cava-Tadik, Brown, & Mangelsdorf, 2020). 

There are several other behaviors that help maintain relationships and can give greater satisfaction, liking and commitment (Weigel, & Ballard-Reisch, 2001). Positivity, like being cheerful, optimistic, and uncritical are some of those behaviors. Also, being open enough to discuss your relationship directly, communicating your desire to continue to be together or giving assurances is important. Having a network of common friends, associates, and relatives, and taking care of responsibilities such as, household chores are helpful. These behaviors can either be strategic and active ways to strengthen the relationship or they can be  natural, or ingrained part of the couple’s communication patterns (Weigel, & Ballard-Reisch, 2001). 

            If these things are already part of your everyday relationship, you are on the right path. If any of these could use a boost in your relationship, set a goal right now as something you are going to do each day this week. For example, if you have felt overly negative lately say 5 positives, cheerful, or, encouraging things each day. Write down your goal, share it with your partner, and post it somewhere you can remember to do it every day. Even if you must set reminders on your phone. And always look for ways to reach out to one another.

There are many great resources to help couples strengthen and maintain their relationships as they transition into parenthood. Learning more about your partner and who they truly are builds a foundation of love, trust, and friendship. Continuing to work together, parent equally, and using maintenance behaviors in your marriage will also maintain marital satisfaction.       

            Knowing what happens as couples transition into parenthood is important. Knowing how to transition more smoothly is the goal. We have discussed a few of them and hope to focus on more as we continue throughout this course. For this lesson we have focused on building and maintaining friendship by learning more about one another, having open and honest discussion with one another about things that really matter, and setting goals together for the future. This video clip from “Cheaper by the Dozen” gives a small glimpse into what open dialogue, good friendship, and staying connected could look like after children, whether it is 1 or 12.

Still got the heat- Cheaper by the dozen

Activity

With your spouse taking turns choosing Truth or Dare, click on your option and answer or do the activities together (link below). Let this just be a practice of asking and answering open ended questions and doing things for one another. After you have done this activity, share in the comments…

·          your experience

·         share what other questions, and activities you came up with,

·         share what your goal was and how you did,

·         what you learned about your partner

·         or ask us a question.

Truth or Dare Game

Our next lesson will be about finding each other’s strengths 

 

References

Cava-Tadik, Y., Brown, G. L., & Mangelsdorf, S. C. (2020). Fathers’ Satisfaction With Physical Affection Before and After the Birth of a New         Baby: Cross-Parent Effects and Associations With Family Dynamics. Journal of Family Issues, 41(4), 415–436.
John Gottman, P., & Julie Schwartz Gottman. (2013). And Baby Makes Three : The Six-Step Plan for Preserving Marital Intimacy and                    Rekindling Romance After Baby Arrives: Vol. Unabridged. Harmony.
Weigel, D. J., & Ballard-Reisch, D. S. (2001). The Impact of Relational Maintenance Behaviors on Marital Satisfaction: A Longitudinal                     Analysis. Journal of Family Communication, 1(4), 265–279. https://doi.org/10.1207/S15327698JFC0104_03